Have you ever searched all over the house to look for a lost item, say, your checkbook? Worse yet you know you recently had it in your hand. Maybe, something caught your attention along the way and you placed it down. Perhaps it’s the moment you remembered that you needed the extra extension cord for the Christmas tree. Since you have forgotten to look for one the past week, you decide to search for it immediately.
Of course the place you could swear you saw it last year-nope, no longer there. As you ponder where it could be, you realize that the mailman will come soon and you need to get that paid bill into the mailbox. Now where did you set that checkbook?
Okay, I confess—that was me earlier this week.
My family is in the midst of celebrating Advent. Advent is known to be a season of waiting-waiting to celebrate the birth of our Lord and celebrate the joy in waiting for Him to return. Little children are waiting for Santa or waiting for the Elf to give his report from the shelf.
This past Thanksgiving, I found myself waiting and feeling extremely lost—no, not because my husband wouldn’t ask for directions to where we were having Thanksgiving dinner—not this year anyway.
My mother was very ill in the hospital and I have never felt so adrift with worry. Minutes seemed like hours wondering if her body could fight back or if I would lose her. Normally, I would research as much as I could to know what to expect, yet that day before Thanksgiving I found myself paralyzed with fear of the uncertainty of whether she would make it through. Only once I heard from the Specialist that the worst was over and she stabilized, I researched in earnest (you had to see that coming).
Adrenaline pushed me through that critical week and I would be there until the wee hours of the morning. Now for people who do not know me, I turn into a pumpkin after 9pm. So, I definitely knew another source of strength was at hand. I had some of my Tenn. family visiting and she stayed with me at the hospital. Not only was she a comfort to me, but my mother was comfortable with her there because she had known her for many years. She also is an early to bed kind of gal, but she stayed with me. She gently, but firmly pushed me to leave, so I would have strength to continue the next day.
I am very lucky that in addition to receiving the support and strength from her, my husband and daughter, I also have my NC family. My NC family took us in when we first moved here and we knew no one. I can’t imagine my life without them!
They all helped me, each in their own way; to find the where-with-all to push through the emotional pain so I could focus on the best way to help my mother. Eventually the physical pain caught up with me—RSD does not like stress and makes a point to really let you know. I lost some blog posts because I could barely move let alone write a coherent sentence that anyone would want to read.
The thing of it is I had to find the strength and recognize the help God gave to me when I was lost in the, as they say in the South, “hot mess” of it all.
Waiting goes hand in hand with writing. I wait for the right words to strike. Yet sometimes, I find I get too caught up in something sounding perfect as soon as my pen hits the paper (yes, I am old school). I have found that I just need to write what pops into my mind and eventually (sometimes days later), the polished words will come. After all, there is plenty of time for edits, edits, and more edits.
Once I finally completed my, I don’t know, say my 5th or 6th draft of THE LAST CHERRY BLOSSOM manuscript, the next step was to wait for a response from a query to an agent or editor. During that wait I had wondered, maybe I lost what inkling of writing talent I believed I once had, or worse, maybe I don’t have any at all? Yet the more I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that I am not happy unless I am creating something. I found that I needed to write. My body may have lost some of what it used to be capable of to RSD. But, I found that my brain did not have to be lost along with it!
When I stopped searching for perfection and released some of my fear of making mistakes, I wrote at my best (for me anyway). When I found a Literary Agent, Anna Olswanger, who could see potential in my manuscript, it was an early Christmas gift last year!
My mom still has a long journey ahead with her health, but we are finding strength in our faith and one another.
Oh, and if you are wondering about that missing extension cord- I went out and bought a new one. Guess what I found in another box of Christmas decorations the very next day?
I would love to hear of your ‘waiting to be found’ situation. Please tell me what happened for you?
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12 thoughts on “Waiting to be Found”
Kathleen, this was a beautiful and inspiring message even though I know it was written out of pain, heartache, and turmoil. I am so very sorry your mother’s health is in such a state of concern, causing so much additional heartbreak in your life. My heart goes out to you and your family. I’m really inspired by you grounding yourself in your creativity, like your writing during this trial. You handle your complex difficulties with so much grace. Thank you for sharing this very personal entry.
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Thank you so much for your kind words. I don’t always feel that I handle things as well as I’d like and feel especially frustrated with my body at these times. My mom is back in the hospital and I just read your comment and it was like a hug to me at the end of my long day. Thank you so much.
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Oh I think I most often lose my peace and patience. Peace is usually easily restored once I get my head on straight again.
Glad to hear your Mom is doing better!
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I know exactly what you mean with peace and patience 🙂 Thank you for your well wishes and for your comments.
Yes, I believe we’ve all spent time searching in earnest for lost objects. Thanks for writing.
Never Give Up
I think the combination of waiting, plus feeling helpless, is the mix that makes things like this so hard. I’m glad you received a friend’s support to help you through. Wonderful!
Did you ever find the checkbook? I may have missed it, but I don’t remember you tying up that loose end. I’m assuming that you did find it and the check got sent.
Prayers coming for you and your mom!
Linda, thank you for your prayers! Oh, and yes I did find my checkbook and the bill got paid on time! Sorry about the loose end–just want to keep you in suspense so you come back and visit 🙂
Good one, Kathy. Just like a sequel!
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I understand the waiting. For WIP’s, for family member’s health, for children’s salvation. David says it best in Psalm 27:14, “Wait on the Lord: be of good courage. And he shall strengthen thy heart. Yea, wait on the Lord.”
Carol, thank you for that beautiful and so meaningful scripture quote! I will keep it in my heart.
Dearest Kathleen, First of all, I am so grateful that you are a neighbor @ Holley’s for this waiting is what I have such a hard time doing and being, yet I am learning. There is so much as you have shared here that we need…NEED to wait for and it is hard. Yet, God is with us and calls us to be patient. He has given us Christ Who is Perfect Patience as I was reading recently. Thank you, sweet sister for being available to Him as you wrote these words.
I will be praying for your mother. I cared for my mother for fifteen years and am just around the corner from two years that the Lord came to take her home. She was 98. But, Kathleen, there were so many times that I waited impatiently for answers and wanting all to be ok, and…and…. And other times I would leave her and ask God…”How long. O LORD, how long?” I was learning then too.
I am glad you have support. Let them help. I just wrote a post for Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood/Connections called “Is Giving Care Different During the Holidays?” along with other caregiving posts. God seems to be using my 15 years to help others through their watch.
I am sorry you have RSD. I live with Fibromyalgia and know enough about pain and stress and walking through it all. Yet God walks with us. I will be praying for you as well.
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
Linda, thank you so very much for visiting me from Holley Gerth! Thank you for the kind words. You really have mentioned so many of the issues I am going through. I will look up your post, I am sure I will find comfort and strength from your experience. One of my NC family member’s has Fibro and I empathize with you. Your words give me hope and courage. Thank you for the prayers and I will pray for you as well!