Am I ASIAN Enough? Am I AMERICAN Enough? (Hint: Yes! & Yes!)

One month ago, I posted the 3 gold slides that are throughout this post on my Instagram & Twitter account after the Atlanta shooting/murder of 8 people, 6 being Asian women, leaving one survivor in critical condition. Since that post, an Asian woman in NYC was attacked while bystanders didn’t intervene, an Asian market was vandalized here in Charlotte NC*-both events occurring within the same week(March 29 & 30th), shooting in Indianapolis, and 2 tea shops in Charlotte were vandalized (last week). So, I thought I would repost my words here.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized that as much as I speak about how much my mother’s story/voice mattered back then (directly after atomic bombing) and matters now; it’s not as easy for me to feel that my story also matters. Although, I have opened up about my health issues with Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD), I have a harder time discussing my Asian American experience. Perhaps because I’m a mixed Asian. As you all know, my mom was from Hiroshima Japan, and my dad was a Caucasian American.  However, in light of recent events stated above (and of the numerous ones last year) I’m determined to use my voice even when it feels scary to be so vulnerable.  

I have mentioned before that my mother said she ‘Americanized’ our home. So no, we didn’t have many Japanese decorations. I couldn’t speak Japanese (unless you count a few phrases and the numbers 1-20) 😊 but I had a few records (45 rpm no less- if born after 1996-you may need to look that up-I’m really dating myself here) of Japanese children’s songs that I loved to sing with my best friend, Maureen, even though we had no idea what we were singing about. 😊  

My Japanese Children’s Song records

I loved the packages the woman I knew as my Grandmother, Miyako, sent us filled with senbei (rice crackers), green tea, pretty magazines (that I couldn’t read but my mom cherished),ramen noodles, Hello Kitty Sanrio items, dresses for me, and beautiful Licca-chan dolls.

Sara with my Licca-chan village

I looked forward to hearing my mom speak Japanese once a month when she called my grandmother and her close friend in Japan. I loved the sound of how she spoke and laughed with them. I remember hearing my name mentioned and wondering what my mother was saying about me. My mom didn’t make Japanese food very often (except for rice), but when she did make some Japanese dishes it was delicious. I remember how she would put a bowl of rice and cold water daily in front of her favorite picture of her Papa. I remember feeling special because my mom was from Japan and so happy to also be Japanese.

Me with some Sanrio gifts & outfit from my grandmother

Of course, it wasn’t until I went to school that I quickly realized that being Japanese may not be something to brag about after kids started using racial slurs when referring to my mom or myself.  I quickly realized that blending in or the wish to blend in might be better for me. Something shifted by middle school and I didn’t focus on my Japanese side very much.

When I was a teenager, high schools and colleges didn’t have Japanese language courses (as my daughter took in college). And there were no Asian clubs or Asian American magazines, Facebook groups, or podcasts(so many wonderful ones exist now and that I’ve been guest in/on) 🙂 **. If there had been, I don’t really know if I would have sought them out or if that would have encouraged me to embrace my Japanese side sooner. I’m leaning towards the latter.

I do know that I didn’t check off Asian on my college application or FAFSA because my mother vehemently forbade it after what happened to Vincent Chin a few years earlier. So, I’m embarrassed to say that I didn’t fully embrace my Japanese heritage until after I had my daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I was always proud to be Japanese, but just didn’t know at the time that I could embrace it without looking like I wasn’t proud of being an American.  So, during this past tumultuous year, the thought of maybe I don’t have a reason or a right to speak about the recent Anti-Asian American Pacific Islander (AAPI) racism had crossed my mind. Although, I would have been Japanese enough for the internment camps in the US during WWII-a pretty darn good reason to be considered Asian enough now.

I know that when I wrote The Last Cherry Blossom (TLCB), I struggled with what lens I would use to tell the story because people (including my Dad) kept asking ‘Whose side of the story are you telling?’ My father worried that there might still be prejudice against the Japanese and didn’t want me to get hurt. More than once he had told me, ‘Perhaps it would be better not to write the book.’. But I thought of the strength my mom had to not only persevere after the most horrific day of her life, but to also share those memories with me. The one and only clear answer came through-to proudly push forward and tell the story through the lens of a 12-year- old girl-the only lens that mattered.

Interestingly, as I began to query possible agents and editors, they didn’t realize I had a connection to the story because my name wasn’t Japanese (even though in the intro paragraph I wrote that it was based on my mother’s family in Hiroshima and all she lost in the atomic bombing.) Although, I do realize my name couldn’t be any less Japanese-but it was a barrier I hadn’t thought about. It again made me question if I was Japanese enough to tell the story.

Like mother, like daughter…

As a mother and a MG/YA author, I can’t help but think of the children that are too young to understand why or to know the long history of anti – AAPI racism (probably because it wasn’t taught in school), yet they are old enough to sense the fear, sadness, or anger of their parents or other loved ones.  And tragically, some are dealing with the loss of their loved ones to senseless violence solely for the fact that they were born Asian.

I feel for the middle and high school age kids not understanding why the same people who called the pandemic “kung flu” under the guise of being a joke, were surprised when AAPI’s said attacks against them had risen, and then refusing to see any correlation between the two (I know as an adult I don’t understand it).  They see the current endless social media feed on the hate incidents against Asian Americans, as well as the difficulty in labeling or prosecuting them as hate crimes. My heart breaks for them. I want them to have a safe space to discuss their emotions that are cycling through them. I want them to know that their emotions, their voices, their (our) stories matter.

I hope to tell my readers/students that even if we think others are not listening or haven’t listened to us in the past-we still have the right to tell our story, and for others to understand our hurt is valid. Fear and ignorance can be deafening, so we have to work even harder to have our stories, our messages heard. I’m holding on to my hope that through prayer and in solidarity we can cut through that noise(of racism) to find a song of peace.

Whichever way we choose to express our story(spoken or written word, art..) or stand against hate crimes, it doesn’t have to go viral, doesn’t have to change the world in a day for you to be considered as making a difference-it ALL matters. I’ve listed some resources at the end of my post.

I’m grateful to be a member of Asian Authors Alliance . They had set up an amazing network of AAPI authors and bookstagrammers to bring awareness, to have fundraising events through their Kidlit Against Anti-Asian Racism(back in March) and #StandUpforAAPI(late March on Instagram). They are also setting up author panels for AAPI month in May and I will be participating in one with some amazing authors on May 28th.

I’m incredibly grateful for all of my families’ and friends’ love and support from my childhood to the present. I’m grateful for my husband, (who gave me the second half of my non-Asian name😊), for always being here for me. I’m grateful for my daughter who fully embraces her Japanese heritage and encouraged my journey of writing TLCB because she felt the students would have empathy for the victims once they understood that they were people (like us) under those mushroom clouds (she was right).

Sara &host family at summer festival

It is my hope that by telling our stories of our AAPI heritage and teaching the history of Asian Americans, people will no longer see a ‘foreigner’, but the eyes of a mother, a child, or a grandmother, or father; they will see the common bond that we all have as human beings living in America.

Me with my Mom at 1 yr old & Mom,Sara, &I

*Many people came to the aid of the Korean family that owns the store after this latest incident (sadly not the first time this has happened to them). Seeing this outpouring of compassion and generosity makes me feel very hopeful.

I’d like to send out my deepest condolences to the families of the Atlanta shooting victims: Soon C. Park, Hyun Jung Grant, Suncha Kim, Yong Yue, Xiajoe Tan, Daoyou Feng, Delaina Ashley Yaun, and Paul Andre Michels. My prayers to the family of Elcias Hernandes-Ortiz who is currently in the ICU as result of his injuries from this shooting. As well as to ALL the recent victims of senseless violence this past month.

Resources:

A few weeks ago, I attended an Asian American Federation virtual event “ A Year of Asian Hate: Where do We Go from Here?” which is also on their Facebook Page. This poignant program featured an Asian American that was attacked in NYC, as well as highlight various groups/people that are (and have been) working together in NYC.

Ways to support Asian American Pacific Islander Community: These are just a few, this article on NBC.com by Kate Ĺy Johnston has more.

**Asian American Magazines/Newspapers (Not a full list)

HAPA Magazine(soon to be Mixed Asian Media)

Mochi Magazine

Asian in the Arts

The Cre8sian Project

Plan A Magazine

Rafu Shimpo

Pacific Citizen

AsAm News

Borderless Journal

**Podcasts (Happy to say that there are many in the US, so I can’t list them all. Some I’ve been on and others I’d like to be 🙂 So please check out Potluck Podcast Collective or Asian American Podcasters for a more complete list)

Taking a Moment to Do 4 Things…

I don’t know about you, but it seems that my days are filled with the low hum of anxiety in the background of everything I do. Since the medical term Covid-19 along with phrases such as social distancing, and shelter in place* have been introduced, my world seems upside down. Just recently when at Target®, I swear that there was a spotlight from heaven shining down on the Angel Soft® TP and I heard the strains of the Hallelujah chorus in the background…C’mon, I know I’m not alone in the quest for this new holy grail?!


Now that schools, churches, restaurants, libraries have closed for our safety, we add feeling fragmented to this emotional mix-tape(for those of you too young to know what a mix-tape is, just think of it as a playlist you make for a friend). However, there are some technological advances that can be used to connect with and comfort one another. Cyberspace is not just to show the best side of our lives in the perfect heart hands sunset, or the latest cute animal video-Although if you haven’t seen the penguins roaming around the empty halls of the Chicago Shedd Aquarium-you must stop right now, lift up the rock you’re living under, and watch it. Go ahead, I’ll wait….

Copyright Shedd Aquarium

Adorable, am I right?! 😊 So, back to using cyberspace to show our real side, as well. Teachers, parents, librarians continue to provide education to their students with remote classrooms through Edmodo® or Zoom®. Also, as authors, we want to help our readers. 
One of the best things about being an author for me, is visiting students (virtual or in person) and meeting readers at book festivals, but since in person visits cannot happen right now, there are other opportunities available. So, if you home school your child or if this is your first time home schooling your child due to Covid-19 school closures here is a list for you:

-Award winning PB and MG author Kate Messner(The Next President, and  Chirp are her latest ) has set up, and continues to organize/administrate Read, Wonder, and Learn! – Favorite Authors & Illustrators Share Resources for Learning Anywhere on her amazing website. It has videos of various PB, MG, and YA authors/illustrators discussing their book or a writing/illustrating lesson. In addition to this, many authors are reading their entire picture book or a chapter from their novel (with permission from their respective publishers). (Please note, if you are an educator planning to use this as part of your classes please consult this page for publisher’s Copyright guidelines during Covid-19.)

-Susan Tan, MG author of the loveable  Cilla Lee-Jenkins book series, has set up, organizes and administrates a YouTube channel of authors reading from their books or giving lessons in writing/illustrating as well – Authors Everywhere
I’ve recorded Chapter 2 of The Last Cherry Blossom (TLCB) and it is on the above sites. (Chapter 1 of TLCB is on my YouTube® channel– yup I have one, and heck no, I’m definitely not an influencer, not even close! But I welcome new subscribers 🙂 In addition to this, you can request a TLCB Discussion/Teacher’s guide on my website www.kathleenburkinshaw.com

Over the next couple weeks, I also plan to upload some videos discussing behind the scenes of writing (including deleted scenes) TLCB and my current manuscript, sharing pictures from my mom’s childhood, discussing Japanese culture, reading my mom’s favorite Japanese folk tale-Urashima Taro, as well as some writing prompts. In addition to this, I plan to do a few Facebook® Live readings/chats, and more Live Instagram®. I did my very first Live Instagram for Southeast YA Book Festival a couple weeks ago (when it cancelled for our safety due to Covid-19). Doing it was scary and unknown, but pleasantly, surprisingly fun! I don’t know if the viewers thought it was well put together, but those that did stop by seemed to think I did okay. The great thing about the Live videos on Instagram, they disappear once they are over(or after 24 hours if you share it as your Instagram® story) and so there’s no embarrassing evidence left behind. 🙂 I also know that there are families who may not have access to the internet for these services above, especially with libraries closing. But since you’re reading this, I can safely assume you have access to internet or smart phone. So if you want to recommend a way for the student to connect with an author, Educator Lorraine Bronte Magee is compiling all of the kidlit folks who are encouraging kids to #writetoanauthor while schools are closed. Through her website – Reading Connects Us If you could print out that list, mail it to the student, and let the students know if they write, authors will respond. If you know of someone that would like to write to me-but doesn’t have internet access, please go to my website contact page to let me know and I will then email you my mailing address for you to give them.

In the NC library system, The Last Cherry Blossom and many other amazing novels are available as e-books on Hoopla(Yay!). The indie bookstores in my area are Main Street Books in Davidson and Park Road Books in Charlotte. If you are under stay at home orders, as we are in Charlotte, NC-you can still support your indie bookstore by ordering an e-book or order a hard copy online from them.

Lastly, please remember that even though fear, anxiety are natural initial reactions in response to Covid-19; we can try counteracting these feelings,by taking some control of our situation and choosing to take a moment to: 1. pray/meditate/breathe, 2. to wash hands frequently, 3. be kind to yourself and be there for one another, 4. remind family/friends to follow stay at home ordinances. You can make up your own Top 4 lists. However, xenophobia should NEVER be one of our choices on that list.

My mom showed me that great strength, faith, and compassion for others can be found during and after the most devastating of circumstances- while we all wait for the season to change after the last cherry blossom falls..

Sending a virtual hug (from a safe social distance) and I’m praying that you all stay well and keep safe ❤

*Interesting fact– “Under local ordinance, “shelter in place” forces people to stay in their current building during a nuclear accident.So that they do not invoke the specific nuclear accident precautions, officials are calling it “stay at home” instead.” (Charlotte Observer)